You know that time when you are totally over-reacting and the other person is totally under-reacting and you just want to scream and punch things…yeah well that’s how I feel, and I would rather keep feeling that way instead of not feeling anything which is the way it’s about to go…

Sometimes I think that I’m not the passionate one, but now I know that I am, he is the one that can’t make any passion unless it’s physical, that is only where he has the upper hand…

Whatever…no one cares anyway (that’s why I blog here, right?)

So, I have a bf and just want to throw out a scenario to anyone who wants to respond/read.

We have been dating for a while now (about 3 years), and so he tells me at the end of our school year that he has decided to go on a mission trip for 2 weeks of the summer.  Well, I’m cool with that but am kinda irrational and jealous about the time he will be spending elsewhere besides home near me. (we have a long distance relationship throughout the school year so I would like to see him a lot over the summer).  Well, a little after I have finally gotten over the fact he will be gone for two whole weeks I found out that he was going back to his school in July.  WAY BEFORE THIS he had told me, “I might as well go on the mission trip anyway because I probably won’t get a job this summer.”  That really made me angry because he NEEDS one, and he wasn’t going to get one, but back to the ranch…he told he was going back to the town his school was in to get a job FOR THE SUMMER.  Well I got all upset about it because I was all like he could totally get a job here if he gave a little effort but he’s always like Noooooo I don’t like that job or I couldn’t get a reference from them anyway, he just thinks about all this stuff but never tries to disprove it. GO UP TO THE PEOPLE AND BE LIKE I NEED A REFERENCE FROM YOU BECAUSE I WORKED WITH YOU LAST SUMMER. and then the “cherry on top” is that today he said he wanted a job there so he could keep it through the school year… what pisses me off about this statement was when he had told me about going there for the summer to get a job I was like well at least you could work during the school year with it. and then he was all like NO I just need it for the summer, I have a different job for the school year.  and now he is like I will get a job there and keep it for the school year WHAT THE FUCK?  I DON’T EVEN…! it just doesn’t make any sense. and I thought you couldn’t have a true relationship if your away from each other all the time, just sayin… He will come home every weekend but if he doesn’t get a job, you better believe I will be damned pissed about this even more so!

so I would like to know what you think…How irrational am I being? or how rational? etc. ya know?

I was having a totes stressful day because I found out last minute about an exam, kinda sorta.  So, I was studying my butt off to try to do well, and PRAYING A TON for help from God because there was NO way that I could remember anything without His help.  And then I took my test, and felt free as a bird! I ate and started on my way to church…then got a call from my bf which made me happy:D  BUT during the convo he mentions that he is probably just going to stay at his apartment at his college for the majority of the summer, not to mention that he’s going on a trip this summer too. And he wants me to come see him while he’s there…hmmmmmmm…and also he told me he didn’t think he was going to get a job this summer which ticked me off, but now it’s he could find a job over there, but not back home.  Home sucks.  WELL GUESS WHAT MISTER? I DON’T HAVE A CHOICE. I have to work back home and hopefully get another job too.  I have commitments that you made too but I am the one keeping it.  I want to spend time with you, but it seems like you could care less! What am I missing?  That you’re done?  Because that’s what I feel like at this moment.  I am pretty good at blowing things out of proportion but it seems like the other day we were planning to get married after college, and now that seems like you have a new plan.  I would really like to know where I stand because, let me remind you, God has put more than just you on the planet that is a male christian.   There are others.  I don’t think I would date anyone and I don’t have anyone in mind in particular, I am just saying that if you are going to break my heart, don’t draw it out, so I may continue living my life.  It’s kinda hard when you’re depressed, which will follow that decision.

Make up your mind: am I worth it?

because I am NOT willing to go through hell again, I did it once and you don’t deserve that again.  I put 200% in and all you’re giving is 50%, yet again…

I hate my life, I hate this school, I want to go home.

I am failing at everything today, I can’t help but feel like a total loser.  I am doing everything wrong.

I think I failed my chem test and I know I am going to fail my calc one as well as the class.  I am failing my parents and myself by letting my GPA go bad.  I failed on signing up for the right classes this summer.  I failed at getting two jobs.  I failed at just getting a different type of job from last year.  I failed at cleaning my room.  I failed at working out and staying in shape.  I failed at keeping a promise to God.  I even broke my glasses today.

I FAILED, get it?!

and I lost my iPod

I want to be with him soooooooo bad right now, I just want to cuddle up next to him and fall asleep…but I don’t know if he would want that…